Fear.

...one of my biggest fears is not ever being able to maintain a relationship for longer than 3 years. My last two (and, well, really only) serious relationships have chugged their way over the 3 year mark only to kaput shortly after that. It's scary. And i guess, the fear is really caused by the worry that maybe I'll always end up bored of whomever I'm with. That I'm too antsy and restless to ever be with someone for years and years, and even longer. It scares me how strong my feelings are for Joel, because I would hate for something to go terribly wrong with him. I've never felt like this before, and I've never had anyone to make me feel this way. I believe him when he says I'm wonderful, and beautiful, and smart and every other million compliments he gives me. He makes me feel all those things, even though, they may not be necessarily true.

I know that I did things wrong in my last relationship. I fucked up. And I don't want to ever do something like that again. I don't ever want to hurt anyone the way I hurt brian throughout our relationship. I know I wasn't the easiest person to deal with -- and, like usual, I want to give excuses. I was depressed, I was lonely, I was bored, I was restless, I was..... But that doesn't make it better. And it won't really heal any wounds that I've left behind.

Last night after getting home from seeing Joelee, I ended up talking to Jorge, for a very long time. And it was odd, because probably for the first time in our friendship (well, maybe not first, but one of the few times at least) we had a real conversation. Like two adults just venting and sharing advice, getting things out in the open. It was good. Back when we first started talking and seeing each other I use to be his apprentice, because the three year age difference always made him seem so damn cool and "wise" and he took me under his wing to teach me the ways of cool. But last night? Last night he said that I was his peer, that I graduated from being his apprentice. heh. There was more he could of taught me, but that I'm in a good place now. His peer! I can't get over that. It's strange. And I guess I'm startled a bit because I never knew how much he did/does care about me. It actually never really occurred to me that he had, I figured I was just another girl to try and get unbored with. But apparently not...

Seeing Joelee was good last night too...weird, but only because of Alex, who after we initially saw each other, hugged and kiss, ignored me and talked over me, directing any and all conversation solely to Joel. I hope things get better, that they become less and less awkward for all three of us, especially for Joel and Alex, because they live in the same house..and alex, because i know it must be hard seeing your ex with one of your best friends...Yesterday was, as usual, an amazing night with Joelee, full of meaningful conversation. Man, I can't express enough just how WOW I think he is. How smart! I've always found well read boys extremely attractive, like woah. I like that next to his bed was a John Cage and Bukowski book. i like that he showed me the letters he's been writing me in his journal, and the poems that go with the daily nicknames. I love the way he looks at me. And his really fucked up humor. I love that he already knows how to read me -- from my turned down mouth, to my sighs, to when my voice is excited, or when something is bothering me, when i'm telling him the full truth, or just lying. I love that I don't have to say certain things because he can just see it in my eyes.

I've been told that I've changed, that I'm not the same person I was just a few weeks ago. I feel like a completely different person...maybe not completely different, but I feel pretty good about who I am, and I feel happy and lucky. And that is a change from the usual bummed bitter bored brenda...

:)